Radio 2's 8 most toe-curling confessions to date

A Classic brand takes on a whole new sound in summer 2017 when Radio 2's 'Confessions Podcast' is relaunched for a new generation of confessors. The new podcast will keep to showcase the embarrassing, controversial and hilarious listener tales nosotros've all come up to dearest (and cringe at) listening to, and on top of that it will also include 'Classic Confessions' that take been unearthed from 'the BBC catacomb' after xxx years... We cannot WAIT to hear the first one (you tin download the offset of the new Confessions Podcast hither from Friday 25th August 2017)!

Confessions is fist-bitingly, breadbasket-clutchingly, toe-curlingly awkward - and always very, very funny. To celebrate it's new wait nosotros've rounded up some of the best stories from the history of Confessions so far, but for you. Relish!

i. The ane where...well, it flew off!

If you lot think your office is full of high jinks, you aint heard zippo yet. Listener James had a a story dating back from the 1980s, in equal parts dreadful and amazing.

Working in the construction industry, he enlisted a few colleagues - including the very shy, prissy new boy Nicholas - to help corner a man called Steve to give him the birthday bumps. 45 birthday bumps, for 45 years.

Timid Nicholas was having a brilliant laugh. "That was, correct up until the third bump, which is when Steve'southward right leg brutal off," the story went, in an immortal line. "This was the one that Nicholas was holding. Y'all come across, what Nicholas didn't know is that Steve had an artificial leg, and he'd actually loosened the straps just before being lifted into the air. Steve was, of form, in on the whole affair."

Poor Nicholas understandably felt awful - and when he did observe out the truth, he wouldn't speak to his work mates for at least a week. We recollect he permit them off lightly!

ii.) The one with the Monkeyin' around

One solar day, when NHS nurse Debbie was on a placement in an operating theatre, she was assisting every bit a man had a vasectomy nether local anaesthetic. "The chap was in quite good spirits," the story went, "Considering the surgeon was rummaging effectually in his nethers." Well, quite!

The patient and the squad were listening, as yous do, to the Greatest Hits of The Monkees as the procedure took place. In an effort to proceed the patient'due south mood buoyant, Debbie enlisted a couple of colleagues to help her recreate the famous legs-hooked, swinging walk from the opening credits of the archetype pop band's TV prove. This, unfortunately, did the task so well that the patient started to "abdomen laugh" - causing the surgeon to give him a slightly kleptomaniacal scar in a very, very personal surface area.

Poor guy, but also poor Debbie - her heart was clearly in the right place.

3.) The 1 where you think y'all're James Bond

We're all big kids at heart really, and some of usa never quite stop playing 'pretend games' in our caput. Most notably, it appears, when we're walking home drunk in the early on hours of the morning time - as happened to a caller called Matt.

Crossing the Surrey countryside, Matt became enlightened of a nearby, low flying police helicopter. He started darting from tree to tree, playing the James Bail theme melody in his head, his hand on an imaginary gun holster.

"I may have attempted a commando ringlet or two," he said. "My memory is hazy on that point."

Unsurprisingly, this caught the attention of the helicopter, which began to chase him in its spotlight until he was reprimanded via loud hailer. Matt and so had the awkward task of explaining to the law that he hadn't been doing anything untoward, but was just "beingness James Bond."

4.) The 1 with the Beautiful Game and The Beautiful South

Confessor Tony brought us back to 1996, and the night that he got to get backstage at a Royal Albert Hall performance past The Beautiful South.

Not only did somebody fault him for a member of the band, and hand him a programme to sign - but that person was none other than Lee Dixon, a footballer who Tony believed had fouled his Dear Newcastle United player David Ginola that very flavor.

Fuelled by more than than a few free glasses of fizz, Tony grandly agreed to write a few words, looking up one-half way through to requite Mr Dixon a wink. "Y'all're a adulterous, fouling *we can't write what he wrote hither*….lots of love David Ginola," he scribed in Lee Dixon's programme. Oh love.

Even better, Tony recently constitute highlights of the game online - turns out it wasn't even Lee Dixon who did the fouling, it was Nigel Winterburn. OUCH!

5. The one where Morris dancing goes wrong

If at that place's one thing this confession taught us, information technology's the importance of matching your undergarments to the activity at hand...which actually, is a valuable life lesson.

In a story dating from the 1970s, a listener took us back to her start (and last) Morris dancing functioning. Which only so happened to be in a grotty pub car park, watched by an assortment of intimidating regulars and a gang of bikers.

"It was all going very well," she wrote, "Until I realised to my dismay that I had worn my favourite sometime knickers. Orange-flowered bright nylon from the high street, for anyone who had the aforementioned."

Nosotros all know that old knickers tend to be a flake more...relaxed in the elastic department, and sure enough, just every bit she was leaping and galloping around a circle, our dancer's drawers ended up effectually her ankle. Wisely, she decided to endeavour to pretend it was all part of the routine - but she was pretty sure she gave sure members of the audience a LOT more than than they bargained for...

6. The one where a deport falls through the ceiling

It'south back to a Scottish "empty" (a teenage party held when parents are away) in 1987 with this fantastic story, which saw our protagonist and his mate scuttling upwardly to a loft space when things started getting messy.

Luckily enough, our cider-emboldened teens found an assortment of fun items up in the attic. These included a bear costume, which our hero put on, and an accordion. Of a sudden, however, information technology was clear that the party giver'south disgruntled parents were returning - a neighbour had called the police.

In a panic, our very special bear ended up falling through an un-floored section of loft, crashing straight through into the bedroom of his friend's Mum - who, unsurprisingly, screamed.

He ran abroad, leaving his poor friend, and nobody ever found out who the mysterious, plaster-covered comport really was - until now.

seven. The one with the fake Estonian footballers

Bilingual Welshman Yuri found himself mistaken for someone speaking Estonian during a football tour to East Scotland (and past tour we mean a drinking bonanza, broken up past one match played at "main schoolhouse reserve team level."

With the Estonian football game team and a variety of fans in town for a earth cup qualifier, Yuri decided to tell a couple of local lasses (in a terrible accent) that he and his friend were in fact key members of the Estonian national side - but had been suspended for bad behaviour. He also may take mentioned that he volunteered with animals in his spare time...

Realising that, "the girls were patently condign quite interested in their charity-supporting, Estonian football star bad boy and his unfortunate sidekick Igor," Yuri decided to come up clean nigh beingness Welsh. Nevertheless, he so proceeded to pretend to be the director of The Stereophonics!

Yuri, we're non sure y'all deserve any forgiveness...whether it'south delivered in a Welsh, English or cod Estonian emphasis.

8.) The 1 with the accidental dog bothering

Registered veterinary nurse and keen canis familiaris lover Anne just can't seem to leave her professional lid at the door of the surgery. She regaled Simon and the rest of the gang with a truly bad-mannered story in which she spotted a lovely domestic dog on a forenoon walk, and rushed over to give information technology a pet.

Suddenly, her happy revery was ruined by the dog's owner bellowing: "WHAT ON Globe Practice YOU Call back YOU'RE DOING?" Turns out, Anne had started to almost unconsciously give the animal an test of its nether regions. Without giving her a risk to explain, the appalled owner rushed out the park with his dog - leaving Anne to fright a visit from the local bobby.

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